::ex::

i saw my ex's pictures... he looks happy...

i dont know what to feel.. happy for him? maybe... jealous? maybe...

he is my first lurve... i can never forget him... but the feeling isnt there anymore... just memories...

he taught me how to love... how to miss... how to forget [the hard way]...

hey... how r u? i'm a lawyer now... yes, my dream came true... yes, i am happy... how was ur life going on without me? mine was miserable for the first few years...  i was lost... i was down... i thought that i cant live without u... u know that rite? n now im back on feet again... turns out, i can live without u... i saw ur current pictures... u look happy... r u? well, im happy for u... how's ur family? my dad passed away last september... few days after my birthday... yes, it was sad... i still cannot accept the fact that he's gone... anyway, life must go on rite... i wish u all the best... 

::WeddinG::

one of my bestfrens is getting married... i havent met her for a while... n when i saw her today, she said she is getting married next March... i was so damn speechless... i didnt even know that she got engaged last August...

well u must be wondering y i just got know that she is getting married whereas she is one of my bestfrens... coz... i dont know... we didnt get in touch for a while after her boyfren (currently fiance) came back to malaysia after finishing his study in the us... so yeah... i was damn shock...

n now... i feel like im loosing one of my bestfren... to marriage... *sigh~* coz i know that we can no longer hang out like we used to after she got married... coz she have to commit to her marriage n family... of course...

its not that im not happy for her happiness... of course im happy... but i also feels like im loosing a dear fren...

=')

::PenantiaN::

those who know me well would also know that im lack of patience... i really hate waiting... n i also hate when people wait for me...

however... right now... this very moment... i am waiting... for him... im in kl... doing my chambering... n he is in arau, perlis... studying... n im waiting for him to come back... im waiting for the time that we can spend with each other... that precious time...

can u see my point here? im going against my norm... this must means something rite?

ok... i admit... sometimes i cant stand the distance between us... though we r living in the 21st century where we can text, ym, call n even skype... however,  sometimes i need more... especially on my hard times... sometimes i really need him by my side... i really need his shoulder to cry on... i need his shoulder to rest on... but... he wasnt there... n yes... i admit... i once gave up on this relationship coz i cant stand the distance n this long distance relationship... im a very needy person... well not that needy la... im a needy person...

however... my feelings convinced me that i can get through this... WE can get through this... im not the only one in this battle... we r together in this battle... my feelings towards him is beyond that feeling of needing someone to be by my side... well... at least he was there... he is always there for me ( n im so thankful for that)... he's just not physically there... 

anyway... my point is my feeling is that strong that i can go against my norm... i dont know how long i can bear with this situation... i dont know when will i give up again... but... for now... for this moment... i am waiting for him...

because he is worth waiting for... he is that worth... =)

::bitch::

im being a bitch... yes, me... i do pity him but i cant help it... im just being my-selfish-self... damn im a bitch... im so sorry b... i never meant to hurt u but... i dont have any excuse for being my-selfish-self... if one day... if  today is the day that i lost u... n uve become the one that got away... i want u to know that i am truly sorry for being a my-selfish-self bitch... u are nothing but nice to me but i am being a bitch... well... i cant really understand why i do this... i cant really understand what am i thinking nor i cant really understand me... how can i expect u to understand me? how can i explain it to u while i, myself, dont understand me..? therefore, forgive me lurve... i do lurve u n my feelings for u never fades... just that im a mess n im lost... forgive me darling... i really hope u can bear with me... i really hope that u are the one... but for now, im being a bitch n im truly sorry that i hurt u... 

i know that its really hard to find such a nice guy like u... trust me... i know n i learned it the hardest way... im very thankful to Allah for giving me a chance to know u... surely i will regret it if u become the one that got away just bcoz of my-selfish-self... but... u have all the rights to do so... u dont deserved to be treated this way... im sorry darling... im lost n a mess... thats all can i say as an explanation... ure such a nice guy that sometimes i think i dont deserve u n u deserve someone a lot better than me...

::16102012::

if he is alive, he would be 62 years old today... damn i miss him... selamat hari lahir papa...

::a month::

it has been a month... honestly, im still cant accept the fact that he's gone... i miss him... though we were not that close... it was too sudden and too soon... he didnt get to see me becoming a lawyer... he didnt get to be my wali on my wedding day... i miss him... i used to be his little gurl...

the sweetest memory of him that i cant never forget was when he teased me  while i was pretending to be sleeping... i cant remember how old i was but old enough to remember... he was carrying me to the bedroom while i was pretending to be sleeping... n he said "aik... tido pon blh senyum" i was so damn happy... i wish i could turn back the time...

people may see me smiling... but deep inside... i am crying... i really need a shoulder to cry on... but i still cant find it... not even my mum... no one understands... im tired of pretending to be happy while im not... im tired of pretending that i am ok while im not...

there are many things that i regret... i wish i had the chance to at least ask for his forgiveness or at least being there at his last moments... loosing him was something that i never expected to be this soon... that is why i am still in the state of denial that i cant accept the fact that he's gone... is it terrible? is it normal? well i dont know...

i am lost... ='(