::bitch::

im being a bitch... yes, me... i do pity him but i cant help it... im just being my-selfish-self... damn im a bitch... im so sorry b... i never meant to hurt u but... i dont have any excuse for being my-selfish-self... if one day... if  today is the day that i lost u... n uve become the one that got away... i want u to know that i am truly sorry for being a my-selfish-self bitch... u are nothing but nice to me but i am being a bitch... well... i cant really understand why i do this... i cant really understand what am i thinking nor i cant really understand me... how can i expect u to understand me? how can i explain it to u while i, myself, dont understand me..? therefore, forgive me lurve... i do lurve u n my feelings for u never fades... just that im a mess n im lost... forgive me darling... i really hope u can bear with me... i really hope that u are the one... but for now, im being a bitch n im truly sorry that i hurt u... 

i know that its really hard to find such a nice guy like u... trust me... i know n i learned it the hardest way... im very thankful to Allah for giving me a chance to know u... surely i will regret it if u become the one that got away just bcoz of my-selfish-self... but... u have all the rights to do so... u dont deserved to be treated this way... im sorry darling... im lost n a mess... thats all can i say as an explanation... ure such a nice guy that sometimes i think i dont deserve u n u deserve someone a lot better than me...

::16102012::

if he is alive, he would be 62 years old today... damn i miss him... selamat hari lahir papa...

::a month::

it has been a month... honestly, im still cant accept the fact that he's gone... i miss him... though we were not that close... it was too sudden and too soon... he didnt get to see me becoming a lawyer... he didnt get to be my wali on my wedding day... i miss him... i used to be his little gurl...

the sweetest memory of him that i cant never forget was when he teased me  while i was pretending to be sleeping... i cant remember how old i was but old enough to remember... he was carrying me to the bedroom while i was pretending to be sleeping... n he said "aik... tido pon blh senyum" i was so damn happy... i wish i could turn back the time...

people may see me smiling... but deep inside... i am crying... i really need a shoulder to cry on... but i still cant find it... not even my mum... no one understands... im tired of pretending to be happy while im not... im tired of pretending that i am ok while im not...

there are many things that i regret... i wish i had the chance to at least ask for his forgiveness or at least being there at his last moments... loosing him was something that i never expected to be this soon... that is why i am still in the state of denial that i cant accept the fact that he's gone... is it terrible? is it normal? well i dont know...

i am lost... ='(